Okay.
So usually this time of year is PURE HELL.Hate It.Usually.
It would start rite b4 Halloween and last until Janurary was a week or so old.
Thats been the case since before my teens really.Just awful,always dreaded the end of the year.It always seemed 2 end up being about what a failure i was again,all the things i fucked up or didn't do,how theres no way anything would really change in the year ahead-not to mention how lonely i was,how much (depressing)'decking of the halls' was going on around me,the abject disappointment that my birthday would leave me with.....
I HATED this time of year.
The closing of the year 2005 ....is VERY different.
Matter of fact..,much of 2005 has been different 4 me.
I am different 4 me. lol
It doesn't surprise me then also that i recently came across several beliefs/sayings/mantras that express a few of the changes in my perception and internal environment perfectly...
The first - "We don't see things as they are,we see things as WE are."
WAIT - Read that again.....
"We don't see things as they ARE..,we see things as WE are."
Wow,huh..?If ur in a receptive enuff place-u can see how powerful,and EMpowering and clarifying that statement really is.
At several point at the end of this year i've wondered WHY is it that i feel SO different this year..,this time around...
All the changes i have been feeling i've made..,all the fear i let go of..,all the self-doubt i wrestled with,the control i stopped futily trying 2 exert...IT WAS ALL REAL.
I had done it.
MADE alot of the changes.
APPRECIATED what i DID have.
SAW the struggles 4 what they were-OPPOURTUNITIES...
PUT my contentment BEFORE my DESIRES.("Thank God 4 what u have-TRUST God 4 what u NEED.")
This year may have started out with a devestating 'loss'-but as it turned out-i gained- over the course of the rest of the year-MORE OF MYSELF THAN I'VE EVER HAD BEFORE.("He who knows others is wise-He who knows himself is ENLIGHTENED.")
And apparently-that is a REALLY good start.
Thank you,Mary G.
Thank u,Sylvia Amanda("You can't change the past,but u can ruin the present by worrying over the future").
Thank u,FJH.
Even thanks to OBM,for it is sometimes our mistakes that teach us more than our 'sucesses'-("Remember that not getting what u want sometimes is a wonderful stroke of luck...").
Thank u,C.Hutchinson,for freeing me from the baggage of a dead 'friendship' that no longer was so.
And also to Kid Immortal (lol-"If anyone speaks badly of u-Live so none will believe it."),G., and Baby Mu..(and remember you two...-"To get out of a difficulty-One must usually GO THROUGH IT..."),for reminding me of what a friendship could and SHOULD be...
It mayb a little early yet 2 thank You,Sexxxy Profssr-but know that our so far short tyme has made quite the possible opening very exciting....Hope u continue 2 create space witih my world.........
The proverbial and continued extra special thanks goes 2 Sandra B.,for lighting the way so often for the past few years,for making the trip outta the woods,in hindsight-so easy...
Thank you to those that hurt me,lied to me,and disappointed me-for u fine-tuned and clarified and most often,in the end-proved rite that voice inside my head that said-"FUCK THEM!"-when i knew ahead of time u were gonna do just those things...
Thank you for those that repeatedly SHOWED me love - TOLD me love - and RODE my love....................( i also definately thank those that just played with it a little bit......fun was had by all..).
And if i didn't mention u by name-rest assured i mentioned u by HEART.
And lastly but MOSTLY..i thank ME.
The guy who had 2 face it all(and 4 most part DID...).
The guy who had 2 deal with it all(and as much as i could-DID..).
The guy who ended up APPRECIATING IT ALL.
I am blessed more than i can express.
Hope any of the blessings i learn 2 use well,spread them outward.
BLESSED BE ALL.
Thank you,'05.
G bless.
