APOLOGIES ARE IN ORDER.

For Mary G., Hector R., and H.R.
(In random order)

I'm sorry if, at the end, my uncle seemed a little bit like he just wanted u gone. I know u know how hard and complicated the feelings involved in being a long-time caretaker can be. And i know u know how much he ABSOLUTELY loved u. And i'm sorry i wasn't there 2 help him.

I'm sorry i wasn't mature, enlightened, or kind enuff 2 pay attention when u asked me 2 come 'see u one last time'. I'm sorry i thought u were being melodramatic (u could b at times, funny that we'd talked about that, huh...). I'm sorry i wasn't ready 2 think about the implications of that statement. At the time, i didn't have the moral, spiritual, or emotional strength 2 think about u really NOT being around.

I'm sorry that ur family wasn't at the funeral. I'm sorry that i don't know why.

I'm sorry my mother wouldn't let u adapt me. But glad that u told me that that was why, when i later asked why u never did.

I'm sorry i didn't have the courage 2 sing u the Irish lullaby u used 2 sing 2 me when u were drunk, when i was a kid, as u were leaving us. But so glad i WAS there.

I'm sorry that i was SO small, scared and obtuse at the time, that i took the out u gave me (God BLESS u, u ALWAYS were a thoughtful lil' mutherfucker.... smile), in not mentioning ur being in a wheelchair DIRECTLY. U were thinking about me even then weren't u?

I'm sorry u never got 2 c me with one of my really good boyfriends (wouldn't have subjected u 2 the shitty ones.)

I'm sorry i didn't recognize that i WAS ur SON.

I'm sorry my uncle moved his first wife in so soon after u were gone.

I'm sorry i haven't yet been back 2 where ur body now rests.

I'm sorry i don't know where ur body rests.

I'm sorry if it ever pained u that even tho u cooked 4 me and fed me, taught me 2 read, held me when was i was scared, and sang "Frankie and Johnny" 2 me as a lullaby, i still only wanted 2 know when was my mother was going 2 come get me.

I'm sorry i fell in love with some1 else b4 i realized just how much u loved me. I'm sorry i had 2 find out u were no longer here from some trick we had in common.

I'm sorry it took me SO LONG 2 forgive us 4 what we ABSOLUTELY HAD 2 DO at the time. Then, and even now-in hindsight, no matter how it FELT-there really was NO other choice. I'm sorry u didn't let me help u afterwards. And yeah, i DO know he or she'd b about 17 or 18 now...wow.



I'm sorry that mayb none of THIS means SHYT. When u fuck up on someone who then dies-there's no heart-warming touchy feely, all-is-right-again resolution in the last half-hour of the movie. FUCK U Sylvia ?, and (that guy who used 2 have his own show) U can never do right by that person again. And i am SO sorry.