Denial vs. Distraction

Okay.

So like my shyt is distraction. I think most people employ denial as a coping skill. I'm pretty sure mine is distraction. I've spent ALOT of my life distracting myself from whatever it was i'd rather not deal with, with whatever the hell i could. Useless hanging out, drugs, soul-killing, empty friendships, playing the cute, stupid, sexxxy biracial hottie, or drugs, or whatever it was. Looking back i realize even my misery and depression were sometimes easier 2 wallow in, than actually have 2 think about why i was feeling them. Depression can b insideiously, seductively, and strangely comforting. esp after if u've been trapped in it 4 awhile. Not 2 diminish how PAINFUL that shyt can b, but truth b told..i might of been able 2 save myself alot of it, if i coulda managed 2 look at WHY i was depressed, or mayb more 2 the point-done something 2 change what i was doing at the time.
So like i think i can totally tell my past 3 yrs of therapy have done their job.
I've been in a worsening (financially) situation since early in July, when my wallet was stolen out of a shopping bag (granted...stupid place 4 it 2b,yer right...), which was in bag check at the corner .99 store, WITH MY RENT MONEY IN IT.
It's been slowly downhill since.
For the first time since i got 'em 3 yrs ago-didn't make my plastic crack (aka credit card) payments. BOOM. They're gone. I miss them more than i miss my former youthful beauty.
The first thing 2 go after that was my Blockbuster membership. Wipe that smirk off ur face. With a huge 32" screen and an unlimited DVD rental pass.. i managed 2 buy myself a shytload of entertaining distraction, while i had it. I miss that 2(i've got a real love/hate thing with Lackluster-aka Blockbuster-but i can't deny that Movie Pass really let me re-discover, and develop, my love of film.
The suckiest thing tho, has been my phone. My only phone-my cell-has been off for 2 wks. Not that any1 ever called my ass, but it's really made me realize just how much, by phone, a lazy mofo like me gets done nowadays.
It's funny, tho-and this is how i know therapy has really helped me turn my shyt around-all the deprevation, worry, stress and isolation has brought me around 2 looking at some stuff i've probably been more than happy not 2 look 2 closely at.
Well.., actually, it's more so this bizarrely, disorienting crush that i've developed on someone that's made me access who i'm is right now.
But it's the isolation that has given me the time 2 'take stock', if u will (my partially whitebread upbringing rears it's ugly head...) and see who i am right now.
And it feels kinda good.
That despite being trapped here in my apt (i have only enuff cash on my Metrocard 4 1 trip out, and a trip back).., and despite at a few points recently REALLY feeling like i was mayb REALLY losing any gains i may have made in this 'new life' of mine, trying 2 learn 2 know-and LIKE-who i am now...i think i may b alright.
At least mostly so.
4 the most part.
Mostly.
Kinda.
Mayb.
We'll see...
Wish me luck.