"Let The Bells Ring Out 4 Christmas...And The Closing of The Year..."

Okay.
So usually this time of year is PURE HELL.Hate It.Usually.

It would start rite b4 Halloween and last until Janurary was a week or so old.
Thats been the case since before my teens really.Just awful,always dreaded the end of the year.It always seemed 2 end up being about what a failure i was again,all the things i fucked up or didn't do,how theres no way anything would really change in the year ahead-not to mention how lonely i was,how much (depressing)'decking of the halls' was going on around me,the abject disappointment that my birthday would leave me with.....
I HATED this time of year.

The closing of the year 2005 ....is VERY different.
Matter of fact..,much of 2005 has been different 4 me.

I am different 4 me. lol

It doesn't surprise me then also that i recently came across several beliefs/sayings/mantras that express a few of the changes in my perception and internal environment perfectly...

The first - "We don't see things as they are,we see things as WE are."
WAIT - Read that again.....

"We don't see things as they ARE..,we see things as WE are."

Wow,huh..?If ur in a receptive enuff place-u can see how powerful,and EMpowering and clarifying that statement really is.

At several point at the end of this year i've wondered WHY is it that i feel SO different this year..,this time around...
All the changes i have been feeling i've made..,all the fear i let go of..,all the self-doubt i wrestled with,the control i stopped futily trying 2 exert...IT WAS ALL REAL.
I had done it.
MADE alot of the changes.
APPRECIATED what i DID have.
SAW the struggles 4 what they were-OPPOURTUNITIES...
PUT my contentment BEFORE my DESIRES.("Thank God 4 what u have-TRUST God 4 what u NEED.")
This year may have started out with a devestating 'loss'-but as it turned out-i gained- over the course of the rest of the year-MORE OF MYSELF THAN I'VE EVER HAD BEFORE.("He who knows others is wise-He who knows himself is ENLIGHTENED.")
And apparently-that is a REALLY good start.



Thank you,Mary G.

Thank u,Sylvia Amanda("You can't change the past,but u can ruin the present by worrying over the future").

Thank u,FJH.

Even thanks to OBM,for it is sometimes our mistakes that teach us more than our 'sucesses'-("Remember that not getting what u want sometimes is a wonderful stroke of luck...").

Thank u,C.Hutchinson,for freeing me from the baggage of a dead 'friendship' that no longer was so.

And also to Kid Immortal (lol-"If anyone speaks badly of u-Live so none will believe it."),G., and Baby Mu..(and remember you two...-"To get out of a difficulty-One must usually GO THROUGH IT..."),for reminding me of what a friendship could and SHOULD be...

It mayb a little early yet 2 thank You,Sexxxy Profssr-but know that our so far short tyme has made quite the possible opening very exciting....Hope u continue 2 create space witih my world.........

The proverbial and continued extra special thanks goes 2 Sandra B.,for lighting the way so often for the past few years,for making the trip outta the woods,in hindsight-so easy...

Thank you to those that hurt me,lied to me,and disappointed me-for u fine-tuned and clarified and most often,in the end-proved rite that voice inside my head that said-"FUCK THEM!"-when i knew ahead of time u were gonna do just those things...

Thank you for those that repeatedly SHOWED me love - TOLD me love - and RODE my love....................( i also definately thank those that just played with it a little bit......fun was had by all..).

And if i didn't mention u by name-rest assured i mentioned u by HEART.


And lastly but MOSTLY..i thank ME.

The guy who had 2 face it all(and 4 most part DID...).
The guy who had 2 deal with it all(and as much as i could-DID..).

The guy who ended up APPRECIATING IT ALL.

I am blessed more than i can express.
Hope any of the blessings i learn 2 use well,spread them outward.

BLESSED BE ALL.

Thank you,'05.
G bless.

Where All Storys Should Begin....

This has been 1 of my favorite Central Park spots 4 years......
But it never b4 hit me just how ROMANTIC/QOOL/MYSTERIOUSO the name really is....


Every story should have a 'Strangers' Gate'........

Last Pics of the Year

How nice 2 end an amazing year with even more pics i like......Hope u enjoy.....

SOMETIMES.......

...it's the only thing that'll stick by you.

Dream on,playa-Dream On....................................



(4 some reason this 1 reminds me of u,Miguelito...When i was first working on it-i did something 2 it that i KNEW YOU would appreciate.....smile...)

Not 2 Old...YET

...2 enjoy a little juvenile toilet humor...

After much inner debate and gnashing of mental teeth-i decided it was a GOOD thing i got SUCH a kick outta this.Instantly i was dying 2 know who it was that did this. An adult..,or some whippersnapper punk...?And even more interesting-Male or Female...????'Of course' my first assumption is a guy-but-just as quickly i realize THAT'S just knee-jerk latent sexism..there r sum snarkie clever birds out there[NOTE:'Birds' is the limey term 4 a girl/woman-In the words of my fave cute Cockney rapper(name unknown-Mike Somebody???-he's with a group called the Streets,from Liverpool,i believe...)"Round 'ere,we say byrds,not bytches..."]..

Does it make me dull if i find this clever.....?

Not that there's anything wrong with THAT....I mean lookit-U can b as dull as a 2 watt bulb and b PRESIDENT apparently.....

Troublesome or Amusing...

Okay.

4 some reason-this just really didn't sit well with me (once i thought about it...)
Both The Post and The Daily News (mind u these papers take potshots at each other at EVERY opportunity)could somehow ONLY manage 2 come up with the same smarmy,flippant,somewhat dismissive headline...So funny that with all of the actual conglomeration and consolidation thats going on with ALL media-[I once came across a visual chart somewhere online of how ALL music,tv,film,and radio are now eventually owned by no more than roughly 5 or 6 entitees...]-that THIS glaring case of it is actually from papers that are owned by OPPOSING mega-corps...

Which then means this is a case of rather lazy dumddown groupmind samethink.....even worse.

U'd think in the friggin' 'Capitol of the World' there'd b someway 2 make sure ur not about 2 hit the stands with THE SAME EXACT HEADLINE AS UR ARCH RIVAL-!!!!

Somebody tell George Orwell 2 wipe that smirk off his face....

BUSHIE'S (?)BRAIN(?)

Okay.

FINALLY-!!
U'know-some of us have been saying this 4 QUITE sometime..........

How appropriate that i should come across it where i did,huh....
Swear it was there-waiting 4 me as i got off the train headed 2 my mothers house-no further or extra positioning was done by moi whatsoever......

LAST NITE A DJ SAVED MY LIFE...

Okay.
There is something about the music.
There is something about the music in the darkness.
There is something about the music and the bodies in the darkness.
There is something about the music and the bodies in the darkness moving...

I have always wondered what it was...How the combination of the flashing,strobing,streaking lights-and the banging,the thrumming-the sonic assault
(the BASS waves so..solid,so HARD-if ur lucky...!-that u FEEL it inside the wall of ur stomach-hitting where nothing can and feel pleasurable)...
The upraised hands..,the eyes rolled back..,the feet stomping..spinning bodies...It is linked with the most ancient of human activities....Orisha rituals in earliest Africa..,Native American ceremonies of dance,voodoo rituals in the Caribbean....
Close ur eyes,and u can b there.
The joyful cries of those unseen-but felt-nearby and far away-echoing ur own-answering ur own("Hold up-!" "Wait a minute..."),joining ur own...
The community that is built by many bodies..the power within the heat that is made by many bodies.
The SEXLUSTLOVEPEACE that - when it's just rite...- is felt by every single BODY that is opened and made aware of it..and can b recalled in PERFECT sense 4 YEARS afterward.........(Where my old Paradise Garage heads at........???)
The unknowable(yet undeniable)..,the wholly SHARED(but thereafter indescribable..)..,the completely personal(yet electrically inter-connected)MOMENTINBEATSRHYTHMFEELINGTIMEEXPERIENCEDIVINEPOWERMOMENT.
The height of which can b felt many times-each slightly different.
Each it's own unique peak.
Each peak-it's own unique flavor.
Each flavor it's own unique mood.
A smile or a sneer.
Good friends of a hot fuck.
A warm red kiss in a dark corner.
The way that kiss can flood out the REST of the world-even when that world is pressed up against u and SWEATY....
A flash of color-FELT-not SEEN-on an upraised face.
Each element a WAVE in a WEAVE that threads 2gether a shared moment that -if JUST RITE-may pass......but never LEAVES.
There IS something about the MUSIC and BODIES in the darkness MOVING.
There IS something about the MUSIC and the BODIES in the DARKNESS.
There IS something about the MUSIC in the DARKNESS.
There IS something about the MUSIC.


Indeed last nite a DJ has saved my (OUR) lives..,with a SONG.

In the Spirit Of All Hallow's Eve...

A shot from this years gay pride...

Here We Go Again...

Not crasy about ol' Freddy Ferrer..,but-PLEASSSSSE-in the name of all that is unholy!!!!!!No more Billion Dollar Bloomie....

The recent ad in which he flaps his lips about 'knowing what it's like 2 look 4 affordable housing' is PARTICULARLY OFFENSIVE.
Tried 2 switch away from it 1 nite when it came on-only 2 b assulted with it on TWO other channels........Nearly had an anneruism....

The List Gets One Shorter...(A Years' Reflection)

Okay.


Came across this picture as i cleaned out the Pictures folder of my PowerBook.
My memory most resembles a sieve 4 the most part (this is ur memory...-this is ur memory after dozens of years of somewhat regular pot smoking...lol).

But the memory of this picture is CRYSTAL KLEEER (KLEEER-another inside note-2 b explained at a later date...)

Can't tell u with any real surety how old i am (obviously 3,4 or 5 are good guesses, but only from height and size assumptions).., but i remember it down 2 the sounds and smells.
I think it was 1 of the first times i'd ever been down 2 the ocean. I don't remember exactly where it was either (Sag Harbor...?).., but i remember my fear...
Just looking at the pic, u see how her hand grasps my wrist, and how my legs r planted firmly in opposition...but also note my smile.........
I would kick, and scream and yell (literally) with this woman, but i always knew i was safe...Sometimes the yelling and kicking and screaming was more because somewhere down inside..,i knew she was gonna b right about something..,and i 'hated' her 4 it....

Lol-...kids, huh....

It's so amazing how appropriate that THIS is a pic that survived the years...
Just about everything good i hold dear 2 myself ABOUT myself, was due 2 the stalwart, determined love of this complex, STUNNINGLY loving woman.
Who got nothing in return from me as the young child u see here...

But from the larger man i have become-she thankfully (i HOPE...) did get 2 know that she WAS INDEED A MOTHER.

If u know the flick AUNTIE MAME (((or Mame-The Musical-...p.s.-Why does every1 hate the Lucille Ball version so damn much.....???Lol)))-Then u knew a lil' bit of Mary Garfield...

"THE WORLD IS A BANQUET!!! BUT MOST POOR SUCKERS R STARVING 2 DEATH..!!!!"

Amen, Mary G.., amen.


Except Mary's always full martini was in a full sized re-used peanut butter jar...
Got the image...??
I didn't get 'Hush little baby..' as a lullaby...
I got "Frankie and Johnny were lovers..
He was her man...
But he done her wrong...."



But how appropriate that THIS particular moment b captured.
The unintentionally stylish (4 the time...lol), and poised woman in the picture is Mary Garfield. In many ways this woman holding my wrist is my mother (Love u, 'mom'-wherever u r...).
She fully accepted and dove in2 the unenviable position of stepping in 2 the role of caregiver 4 a scared, lonely, confused, angry, hurt but very intelligent little boy (me). A little boy who knew nothing more than he wanted his mother, as all little boys do.

EVERYTHING I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF IS DUE 2 THIS WOMAN. And also her life partner (never wife, interestingly enough...), my birth mothers' cousin-who is one of the most fascinating, complex, emotionally rich (yet totally reserved and controlled and contained) Black Men (he ABSOLUTELY deserves the CAPS...) i have ever had the pleasure 2 know well.



Found this pic of my 'dad' as well...SO glad 2 have them both...(Mind the quality of this pic, tho...and this is AFTER the fixing....)

Note the grill smoking with a HUGE slab o' some carcass...
He could grill his ass off...
Indeed this particular nite, and many like 'em are e-t-c-h-e-d thickly in my mind's eye. And heart, and nose, and hair (ever try combing pine burs outta a tender headed lil' pickininnys' 'fro....!!!!)
It was one of the upstate (or Vermont) summer places...so far up in the mountains that he wouldn't have 2 actually turn ON the car (-a bright green VW bug, mind u-!!!)..Until we were about 15 mins down the road-the thrill a kid gets from coasting in a car with an adult...........................


Wow.
And-check it-the dogs name was Toto...whom i loved even after he got old and sick and would snap at me when i tried 2 pet him...

All love 4 u 2, Herbert Mack.4Ever.....

No matter how distant we may b now that Ur back with Ur 'first' wife.... U will always have more love from me than i could ever tell u...The bass in ur whole, open laugh is still one of the most calming, reassuring things i will EVER live 2 hear. I was blessed beyond deserving 2 grow under Ur protection.

THANK YOU AS WELL (of course...lol)




[[[[[ 4GIVE THE RAMBLE AND DISJOINT WITHIN THIS POST. THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF HER LEAVING THIS PART OF THE JOURNEY-if she could...she would SO tell me what was next..................*smile*-

ONE OF THE FEW WAYS I 'FEEL' MY AGE IS 2 NOTE HOW THE LIST OF PEOPLE WHO U KNOW WITHOUT A SHRED OF HESITATION LOVE U MORE THAN U WILL EVER REALLY KNOW, IS SHORTENED BY 1....... ]]]]]]

Who Will Love The BlackMan...

I am 1,and i luv MANY(and not just like THAT,either...................)

Heard it said that the BlackMan loving the BlackMan
is the LAST revoulution...


Vive ala Revoulcion!!!

(yeah,yeah..,i know-the spelling-git ova it.)

1

4 YEARS WITHOUT MY CITY(written Sept.12,2005

Okay.

So it's been 4 years without my city.
I only know it's been 4 years because that's what all the news shows and reports say.If i had 2 go go by FEELING,i wouldn't know how long it's been.Beacuse at the same time..it feels like 4ever AND at the SAME time it STILL feels completely unreal,false,like there really still is the littlest chance that SOMEHOW,SOMEWAY it HASN'T REALLY HAPPENED.Somehow something has just gone very wrong temporarily,and it's all somehow just gonna b found 2b some kind of clossal mistake,and we can all b okay again.We don't really have 2 strecth our heads around something that still sticks in the throat of understanding.
But,strange as it is,no matter how littl;e understanding i can STILL have-it doesn't matter..the 'reality' goes on unabated,without my full understanding.
So i wonder if there's anybody else who STILL can't grasp it in the same way i can't.I wonder if mayb i shouldn't really just b okay with it by now.

LAST SUNDAY OF THE SUMMER 2005

Okay.

This one even had kites in the sky, folks.
The simplicity of the wind, atop of the slope of a hillside.
Unbelievably perfect prerequisite pluffly white clouds, as if placed in a child's' diorama...
The sun, warm enuff 4 a kiss, cool enuff 4 a smile
The life of a family, enjoying its unity.
There was this perfect guy.., and i (!) got 2 spend the day with him!
Peaceful couplings spotted the open meadows, as far as the eye could see.. in every direction.
Communities of bonds stronger than blood.
And single peoples happy within themselves, happy 2b by themselves, but with so many others...

AND I EVEN GOT MY VERY OWN POEM!
How much u wanna bet there was a population (conceptions) spike on Sunday, September 17,2005.
The last Sunday of the Summer.

SHAKE THE ANGER 1: A GULF OF 2 TOWERS

I'm STILL having 2 shake the anger from my body.
The more i learn the more i have 2 4get temporarily, push it out of my immediate mind...
I see Bush. I see Cheney. I see Rove. I see Rice.
And all i see is EVIL.

I think of the FIRST unknown brother, lost 2 "big diseease with a little name"
I FEEL my brother, lost, today.

I see thousands of people left behind.
Water as far as the eye can see.
I see a concentrated, incredibly pressurized crash-course microcosm of our treatment by the power establishment in this country.
Yea-sure-it DIDN'T happen because they were black, it happened because they were POOR and BLACK.


I see hatred SO perfect that people actually burn.., and fall 4ever...
I see a fucking truncated, broken, foriegn, and scraggly skyline.
I don't know what city that/this is.
MY city is now missing.., and i have 2 live HERE instead.
I see people left behind. In a pit in the ground.